Ask, Seek, Knock
“7 Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. 9 Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 So if you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! 12 In everything, then, do to others as you would have them do to you. For this is the essence of the Law and the Prophets.”
Short Brief About Me
I'm a Cosmos full of Chaos within me, I live in a world full of Chaos inside the bigger Cosmos we call The Universe. I’m Red who loves Blue, I'm Blue who loves Red. I’m on either side of a coin, because a coin becomes valuable if it has both sides.
My short story
First let me introduce myself, my name is Anggi Cosmos Isa Tamauli Pardamean Hutabarat, I was born on 27th July 1995 in a small village in Pangalengan, Bandung, Indonesia. My name means “a little brother from The Universe who was born in July and acts like Isa (Christ) to bring peace from the west village”.
When I was kid I didn't know what my name mean really is but later throughout my childhood I did little bit understand what my father want me to do after he brought me a book titled “100 most influential people in the world” and how he talked to me about history and politics and sometimes he acted like he forced me to watched the news with him while he explained it..
Short story short, I didn't understand what my father was talking about but I do still remember the bigger picture of what he said especially about corruption and politics where I live and some alternate history and different views about The United States and The United Kingdom.
Later all of these things shaped my views and since then too I determined to be a successful person and do the best as I could do in everything I do until I realized something in my high school years, I realized maybe I will never be the person I want to be because what I had, even though I never think to give up but this kind of feeling haunted me and made me think I will never be able to be a successful person.
Because I never thought of giving up before I graduated from high school I accepted an offer from my aunt to work with my cousin. Around a year later I got fired because of a problem with my colleagues and my cousin thought I was lazy. This time I got paid around $100 (Rp 1.5 mil)/mth as a typist, with my thought in my high school and my thought about my salary as a high school graduate, I was getting further and further realized how unfortunate I am, not because how poor I am but because I feel the distance for being a successful person is getting more far and far away.
After I got fired I spent around a year doing nothing until my friend told me his friend was looking for more people to work with, so I accepted the offer and worked with my friend for a few months before I got fired again for the second time because of a problem.
In the same year I had a thought to create a community to find people like me who I thought are “prodigy” in their favorite field like art, etc, an idea I had a few years back after my realization. My thought was, if I can’t be a successful person at least I can support and maybe give a little boost as much as I could in a platform that I created by myself, so I made an Instagram account and named it AwesomePeople, but after few months I reposting content I felt it was far from what I wanted so I abandoned it and thinking about a new way.
After I stopped doing what i’ve been doing and thinking about the new way, I actually thinking I ended up doing nothing and mostly just spend my days playing games, but there were some projects I made even though it all are failed like IKUMI and InHappen, I made IKUMI after I look at my mom’s potato chips, the idea was to changed the main ingredient from potato to banana with more different flavors, I able to made this project after I borrowed around Rp 1 mil to my oldest sister. The second one was InHappen. I had an idea about this project after I saw an open invite startup competition. The idea was to make a combination of crowdfunding, educational, freelancing, job-hiring, and marketplace sites. For example, someone who doesn't have any resources can share their ideas, make a pitch for crowdfund, later they can hire people who have skill on the idea, or look for people who sell their expertise and then after the idea is finished they can sell it on the same site.
After I created these projects, I'm thinking about re-learning things on the internet like entrepreneurship, politics, and other things, then I got an idea to make AwesomePeople but now it just for young entrepreneurs and intelligentsia, so I named it NextPreneur, but same like before after a quite some time I abandoned it again because it wasn’t like I was expected it to be, when i’m thinking about that then I got an idea to write a book about all my thoughts but I realized my first book maybe a little bit controversial if i’m a well-known person so then again I made another book which really similar to the first one but in more light version titled “The Introverted Man Story: My Lonely Entrepreneurial Journey - 23 Years Old Man In Loneliness Dreaming To Make A Better World”
After I finished my book, same like before I feel like I almost do nothing the differences just now I made some various projects on Youtube, made a freelancer account as a logo maker, I also tried to stream with my phone but on this one I give up immediately because I know with all the device that I currently have I think I still won’t be able to do it even after I maximize all my devices setup.
Now I'm writing this on November 12, 2021. I always think this is my last attempt to get something that I really really want to do because I'm getting older and I can't always try something out when everything around me is falling apart and my body is getting weaker and weaker each day. We human have so many limits and time is one of those limits that can be seen but can not be changed no matter how hard we try, in my calculation next year I will be a 27 years old guy without a job and it makes me want to kill myself thinking about it, like i’m not qualified to do something properly, and if I take much more time it will be harder for me to qualify and get a job like many people, but if I can try it again now with many people supporting me I dont mind spending more years to grind for like 3 years, working hard on it for like 25-30 years, and then reap what I sow for like 5 years before I leave all the things behind with many many people smiling at me while I get buried on the ground.
So what is my goal? In short, all I want to do is to make my parents proud, help all the people around me and fulfill the meaning of my name. But how? I want to be a political “outsider”, “commentator”, an entrepreneur and also an investor.
I want to be a political outsider for the United States, United Kingdom and the country where I live, which later I wish to be known as “political figure” who are being too honest, and if there are many political stuff I can’t say, I hope people will remember me like i’m the worst actor that come from Hollywood but people who know me understand what I said and the meaning behind it so they can working together and laugh on it.
I want to be an entrepreneur and investor not because I want to be rich and gain money as much as possible even though maybe I will be rich because of it, but because I want to create so many businesses so people can work with me and I can help them and their families, with it I also want people who later become my business partner can use my name as a protection for their own businesses because how good my reputation and responsible i’m in the business world, and I want to be an investor so I can help people with small business to get big without forcing them to a certain point so I can get something back but I want to be an investor who isn’t being an angel to help them with all the resources I have to make them big in an environment that able to make them flourish directly or indirectly, which later they can help their community to grow with similar mindset as mine.
Personally my dream is, I just wanted to be me, the person I wanted to be. I’m an uneducated educated person who learned everything I know through the internet. There are so many things I really don’t know, so this time I want to learn everything directly from the experts in different fields like politics, economy, psychology, business, art, science, and many more. I want to fix my body, because i'm like 170cm (5’6ft) but my weight only 44kg(97lbs), I have untreated head injury, untreated fracture on my right hand, I have broken teeth after I lose my front teeth, several body aches, chronic fatigue, I also want to cure and seeking help for my addiction to cigarette and porn which harmed my body so much, by fixing my body I really hope I can play basketball, football or learn other sports again. Lastly, I love adventure, I love to see new places, I love to learn customs, traditions, and culture. I want to try different foods, learn different languages, and I love to help the people I meet in different communities if they need me to do so, like I go to London to live there for awhile until I can speak English in “British” accent and when I go back people who live there will be missing me because they know I helped them so much and make things so much better.
Actually there is not so much difference between my personal dream and dream in my career, the slight difference is my personal dream comes from within me while my “career” dream is influenced by many factors outside me like what I learned and what my father said to me. For example my father came from a different island from my mom, met his friends, worked, then married my mom, then passed his knowledge to me. I want to do the same like him in my career. I want to move overseas, find my friends, meet my future wife, have a little family, and together we work to make a better world for all of us.
I want to move to Texas, to be precise I want to move to Austin, why Texas? First, it is because of the Texas motto “Friendship” and Texas Flag Pledge like I quoted below.
" Friendship was adopted as the Texas state motto in February 1930. The motto was most likely chosen because the name of Texas or Tejas was the Spanish pronunciation of the local Indian tribe's word teyshas or thecas meaning friends or allies."
"Honor the Texas flag; I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas, one state under God, one and indivisible."
Second, it is because of Texas sovereignty and also Texas is a Red state with Blue cities. Why does this matter? Because it all fits my views, like the Texas Flag Pledge is fit my view about what a country should be, like loyal and be patriot, believe in God, and not easily be divided, while Texas motto is how the citizens should act like be friends/allies to everyone inside the country and helping each other out. Also, Texas is Red with blue cities. That means Texans are still holding their views until today while I can see Blue opinions in the big cities. The last thing the reason why I want to move to Texas is because I can see the representation of myself in the Texas Flag like The Lone Star is representation of me, The Blue color behind The Lone Star is how I see The Blue behind my back, while the opposite color of Red and White in Texas flag compared to my country flag is like the representation how Texas is the opposite of my country even though they have the same meaning.
After I moved to Texas my next dream is to find my “special” friends in many fields especially economy and politics, like someone who can remember every politician name in The U.S. and what they do, someone who moved from New York and understand how the markets works and how it moves, someone who moved from South America with a dream and thought about how to change his/her home country from economy, culture, etc, together as a family.
My next dream after I found my friends is to find my wife, someone who is stronger than me in everything I do, someone who wants to walk not in front of me or behind me but someone who wants to walk beside me while we are holding hands to keep each other standing strong and tall. Someone who understands how to represent her own people anywhere we go. The last thing I could think of for now is I need someone who is fearless like a lioness, she knows she will never be happy with me because she understands how hard everything will be.
After I found my friends and my wife, the next thing I will do is to unite what is divided and hopefully make the new place I live in a better place, working on some projects together like “Agenda21” our version and etc, and the most important thing after I found my friends and my wife is to make everyone “white”, not “white” because skin color, but “white” because the content of the heart. I have this dream because I was inspired by story my father told me when I was kid about two Europeans named Nommensen and Bosscha in Colonial Era, Nommensen was someone who helped the people in my father hometown with pandemic, he created one of the biggest church, education, and many more until he buried in my father hometown, while Bosscha was someone who helped the people from my mom hometown with education like created one of the best university, created observatory, and was known as a philanthropist until he died and buried in my mom hometown and later awarded with honorary citizenship.
My father told me this story after I read some stories about Colonialism and he said when I read history I need to be careful not to make one group as the bad guy and the other guy as the kind guy, and the story about Nommensen and Bosscha is the proof how back in the past we were working together. This is the same reason why I don't like to generalize a group but I do still care about the collective ideas within the group which sometimes overshadow individual ideas and its influence to each individual within the group.
So what I mean to make everyone “white” is to influence people to be a great person like Nommensen and Bosscha while at the same time I try to removed the racial barrier so people can respect each other, working together, have the same mindset together, and later in the future because everyone already “white” I hope the problems we are facing right now can be solved and if there is still a problem I hope people understand and realized who want to keep the problem as a problem, maybe the same way how I see the people who are the same kind as me but they are actually the one who are corrupted my home from the past until today.
My last dream in my career is that I want to be a KIngmaker. Why a kingmaker? Because my father told me I can't be a king because of my father's patriarchal and patrilineal family culture, and the other reason is because my father married my mom, but I'm still lucky enough to be born as a male so I still can use the family name even though it is not fully right. When I was kid I was angry with this but later I just thought this is similar with Presidential requirements in many countries and I understand that, like being a President you need to be a natural-born so the people are not divided etc. So because I can not become a king anywhere I go, even at my home, I have a dream to be a kingmaker that can influence the next generation of leaders and influence the future leader of leaders. I also wish that by becoming a successful person the next generation will look up to me and get inspired about how someone who is really poor like me can be on the top and the story of my life will be a little bit motivation for them to make a better world better than me. The last thing I want to do after all of these things are finished, and if it all matches with my time, I want to come back home to my hometown, a place for me to rest in peace.
I don’t want to write about religion to be honest but as we know religion has a complex connection with politics, and no matter how many people say to not bring this into a public space, I think the conversation about this will never be over, especially for the people who likes to ask a certain public figure about their religion.
But before I explain my religion, first I need to tell you a story about my father, this is one of many reasons why I need to explain my religion. When I was a kid my father almost never went to church except for Christmas, also he was an alcoholic, so like other people I looked at my father as a useless drunkard and I thought he was just the bad guy after all and it was an ordinary thing for him to not to go to church and went to work on sunday morning instead. In short my father told me he didn’t like the church, not the church as a whole because it is still important but because of the people in the church, and he said the church doesn't behave like the “way” to meet God, but as an “entity“ to be used for interest or when something happens, and because I had similar story like my father said, I decided not to go to church too, until few years ago when I study about religion again, I need to read the bible cover to cover and I realized many things that I missed especially when I compared different religious central figures like compared Jesus to different religions central figures, to me when I look at it from “historical” and not from “religious” point of view and think they were really existed, I think Jesus is the one I want to be friend with because what he taught is the opposite what people think it supposed to be, like he never went to war when war was an ordinary thing, he taught his followers to submit, give everything they had to their enemies and people who hate them because his name, he also had an ability to speak in two meanings like a riddle to confront people who against him while at the same time the same words comforting his own people, which to me it is a sign of really really highly intelligent person and his words were really really powerful as someone who barely spoke, the last extraordinary thing to me he was accepted his role and sacrificed himself for everyone he loves, with many followers he had in really short time I guess in modern day many people will think about making a revolution or something like that so he could fight alongside his people but he did the opposite to show what it means to be a leader, even the most powerful person in his era washed his hands because he did not want to be included in the narrative.
There are many things that I want to know about him, I don’t even know if he is a real God or not, but if I need to worship someone I definitely only will worship him because all the facts that I already know, and because i’m human I don’t want to worship another human, because as human I know I made and I will make many mistakes in the future so I put him in higher rank above human and now I call him My Lord and My Savior in which made Him my God.
When I learned about this I found some simple terms on the internet similar with my view like Christian Agnostic and Jesusism for example, but I actually don’t want to use those terms, I want to use the term “Jesus follower” and my goal is to be like King David (to be chosen and loved by God despite being a sinner), to be like Salomon (wise enough to understand how stupid he is as a human and how meaningless our lives without God and without helping other people, while brave enough to admit our mistakes and learning from it) and the most important thing as a follower is to follow what his Master say and said (following what Jesus said as the God’s Word), the last thing is to be human as possible, to understand we as human is a perfect creature but we are not a creator, we need to understand our flaws without judging another human as much as possible or forcing everything without showing an example first.
What I actually need
I created this fundraising to get people to help me with money so I can buy stuff and tools I needed to make my dreams come true, and it’s true I need so much money, but deep down in my heart I really really really hate money and I don't want to be bounded or associated with it.
There are many personal reasons why I hate money but the easiest example is what I see from some people who are bounded by money like they are can’t get enough of it and doing something bad like corruption which later can be used to expand their power and influences to get what they desired like pleasure and many more, and what they are doing really really make bad impact to society, from created bad economy like poverty, created bad institutes because no one can trust anyone without money, created bad public services like health care because you need to pay more than you need to, etc. Everything that I see for loving money or being bound by it is similar to the verse in the Bible “For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil”, so this is the simplest example why I really hate money, but as someone who have good faith in Capitalism I actually support many people for being wealthy as long as all your possession and everything you have is to support everyone else, like to support your family so you can raise them well and to be a kind person, you like to support your community to get better things, and last thing you like to support the unfortunate people who need your help no matter who they are, this is like the same reason why I made NextPreneur, an idea to make people to become wealthy and be able to give a good impact to the society.
So what do I actually need?
I need friends who have similar views and knowledges and gladly or willingly want to help me to do what I want to do like knowledge in politics, economy, history especially US, UK, and world history, have sense of entrepreneurial mindset, I don’t care where you come from or what your skin color is but you do really understand why I still care about collective ideas of your origins, it’s like me who still try to understand why people from my father hometown and my mom hometown have different personality because the difference in their big family culture that they hold until today, even though my parents are the exception in their own family. If you're male and you want to be my friend you need to be a gentleman, a loyal person, you put highly family values, to be a Patriot (you try to understand different culture and try to work together with other people even though you think your country is the best to live in) and not a Nationalist (you think your country is the best and no one else above you), you understand what it means and what it takes to be a man and the pride of it, to be a leader, to be a father of your child, and more, in simple term I want all my male friends to be like a lion and represent majesty, courage, strength, protection, family, affection, wisdom, and other admirable traits as a man.
If you are a woman I want you to have the same thing, I want you to be a real woman, a loyal person, you put highly family values, you’re a Patriot, you keep your dignity, you understand what it means and what it takes to be a woman and the pride of it, to be a leader, to be a mother of your child more, you understand classic feminism (you don’t see male as the source of every female problems but you encourage male to join in and and teach them what they need and can do by supporting them from behind while you work on it too in the with other woman), in simple term I want you to be a lioness, to understand and to represent the strength that lies within womanhood, and embracing the calling to be a leader, a catalyst, a protector, a provider - yet a gentle lover and mother.
The next thing is if you’re part of the third gender but you want to be my friend, yes I believe in third gender but I don’t believe the Western term and the perception of it, I believe in Native American culture of term like two-spirit (i use this term to simplify what I want to say even though some still disagree with this term because the language barrier and its impact on the culture), I believe in two-spirit term because it’s similar with my culture but and the same time I don’t support same sex marriage. There are many reasons why I have this view, but first, to me being a two-spirit is rare and it’s hard because you have more responsibility and you need to be ready with all the things and all the consequences this world will offer to you whether you like it or not. It’s rare because that’s mean you’re spiritually gifted and you already in Spiritual Awakening which is you know yourself better than everyone else to be the one, it’s hard because you know the responsibility on your shoulders, for example if you are a woman in a man body (or vice versa) you can understand both man and woman and you try to teach and fulfill their needs like what I write about male and female friend I need, while at the same time as someone who already experienced Spiritual Awakening you understand the connection between human, nature and its rules, for example if you cut down a tree that’s mean you need to plant a new tree, if you’re a lion and you hurt/not do what you suppose to do as part or for the pride, you already know the consequences of your action like to be in exile or even worse to be killed (this is the same reason why I don’t want to be included even if I can or allowed to join a certain group, because I know there is always be a price to pay for being different with more responsibility).
If you are really a part of the third gender with similar view like me I guess you already understand what I wrote and the reason why I hate Western term of third gender and why I don’t support same sex marriage even though maybe in the future it become Western cultural heritage. But for those who still don’t get what I said let me explain what I see, to me third gender in Western world only focused in material things (money, sex/pleasure, etc) and never see themselves from “spiritual being” perspective (as protector, a guru/teacher, etc), to me the Western term is like being a clown who sell themselves as new type of product on the street (you can see the example of this from entertainment industry, from movie, music, even porn, etc) and what make it worse is everyone seems they are being part of the term without knowing what they do is counter-productive and really harmful to the society (you can see the example of this from Western young generation and what they do), all of these things are the few reasons why I don’t support same sex marriage but to put it simply I just dont want something that considered “sacred” in my culture now become something that treated without any respect by people when in the past you can literally become the king’s advisor (you can learn about Bissu term about this) even though more and more people in my country forgetting this culture and discrimination getting stronger each day because the majorit think this culture is wrong, also I dont want people who don’t know about this culture act like they know everything especially about my own culture and the term with high spiritual values become an unstoppable destructive force within its own society just because people only want the fun part without taking responsibility of their action in the future, and for this reason too on this matter I will never changed my opinion, even if God asked me to.
so if you're a part of the term and really understand what I said, I hope you still stay being the “gods among men”, I hope you really know who you are, you can accept your physical appearance since you were born while at same time embracing your inner soul tightly and make it bigger, and the last thing I hope you can teach people about who you are, what is it mean to be you, and why you can love them even though you know you can’t touch them because you have the same view like me, and like I said before if you’re really a part of third gender you have very special place in my heart, I really want you to become my friend as soon as possible so we can get our respect role back as “spiritual teacher”, remove discrimination, and teach people about this world and how to make it a better place together.
what I need next is partners, a group like my friends but the difference is you want to help me directly with everything I do, I want my partner to be female only, not because i’m being sexist but I want to create a group similar like lion’s pride, where the female become fearless with what they do while other people know there are male lions behind their back. An example of it is like you can do everything you think is right in many fields and if you are facing difficulties you can use my name while at the same time I won't take any credit for what you do, and the goal is to make you look bigger than me, so people won't take you easy just because you’re a female.
when I was a kid I had step-parents from a community I joined, if i’m not wrong they are from America, I never met them and I only wrote some letters and I felt so nice to tell my story to people who care about me even though I never met them. Now I don't have my step-parents nor my father and I really miss them as my guidance. I was thinking that if I can't bring them back from the dead, I wish I could meet someone like them and I know there are still many people like them. I wish I can meet someone who can teach and speak to me in Early Modern English or I called it KIng James English, someone who can teach me how to move chess pieces by their experience in politics, business, and more, someone who can drink wine with me in the middle of the night just to talk and making jokes about things that happened that day, someone who can tell me so many real or alternate stories about history etc for me to learn, or when I do not know what I need to do and I just need someone to drink with. I can’t promise you anything in return right now but if you decide you still want to be my step-parent I can assure you part of what I have and what I will have is yours too and our bond as family will not breakable and my future generation will call you my dad forever.
Half of me:
God created everything in pair, not literally but figuratively, even tho He gives example in simple way like relation between male and female in different kind of creatures, and to me what He mean “pair” the literal meaning is “helper”, which is if you look closely in the bible stories some people so fortunate to had many “helper” like Salomon, David, or like Jacob’s story which he had Leah and Rachel while some people destined or strong enough to not have any “helper” like Paul and Jesus.
To me, I think i’m strong enough to be always alone like all this time but by doing so I think i’m being egoistic because almost all creature in this world have a divine purpose to procreate and reproduce, to create a family, to pass the knowledge which later can be use to conquer this world and make it a better place for all creature.
So the last thing I need is the half of me, someone who act like my friend, someone who loves The US and UK as much as I do, someone who can speak English perfectly and be able to teach me, someone who can take me to the church every Sunday without me feeling forced, someone who can keep me in awestruck because everything she does, someone who loves her parents more than she loves me, someone who loves my mom (including my step parent) more than me, someone who can keep everything under her name and be responsible of it (like I said before I hate material things so I want her to keep all my possession under her name, I want have nothing under my name because what I do and what i’ve done is my only pride), I want someone who understand she’s not gonna be happy with me, and many more. Some people might think how someone like me can dream too high but I actually already know someone who fit perfectly with this criteria, she’s an “American Singer” many people already know, but I don’t think I can’t be her because she has a boyfriend and she’s really out of league, what I mean is if there is someone who can meet this criteria there must be someone who are probably better than her that I could reach even though there is no same person in this world, and if I can’t find one similar like her I do think being a little bit egoistic is not that bad after all.
What the donation is for
First I want to repay my debt to my mom and family for all this year i’m at home, second I want to fix my crumbling house so if i’m not at home anymore I know my family now live in nicer place, third I want to give some money to my mom for her investment and to fulfill her dream to go to Israel before she’s getting too old, the rest is for me to fix my body and to buy stuff I needed to start what I want to do and starting my journey to find my friends, partners, and my soulmate.
For everyone who finally decided to support me, honestly currently I can’t promise anything beside praying wishing all the best for you and your family, but if later I become someone I want to be I can assure you, you will always be part of my family, you’re my grandparents for my sons and daughters, my big and little brothers, my big and little sisters, and to me this connection will never be over after generations as long as they who support me still holding my view, and other promise if I become someone I want to be is you can ask directly for my help for every problem you’re facing as much as I could do (this is the reason why i don’t want you to be an anonymous donor).
Before i finished this i want to say thank you once again for your time and read everything what i need, I hope God Bless You for forever.
The Man of Integrity
(Proverbs 19: 16 - 17)
“16 He who keeps a commandment preserves his soul, but he who is careless in his ways will die.
17 Kindness to the poor is a loan to the LORD,and He will repay the lender..”