I recieved a eviction letter yesterday and im trying to stay positive. I called a old friend a couple months ago i use to do some work for on his farm and asked if he still had a mobile home to rent, i helped him install the power in about 10 years back. He told me he still had it and it was still rentable so being i knew him for over 20 years i took his word for it, I lived a good bit away so i couldn't come check it out so i trusted him. I asked him questions about what was working and he informed me everything was fine, Even said it had a working refrigerator and stove. He did tell me i may need to get a window unit because the central air wasnt working, So i purchased one after packing up and come to stay in the mobile home. I used all the money i had to make this move and get further out into the country where its peaceful, My nerves have gotten worse and i had started to have alot of nightmares regarding my childhood. I never had issues all these years and certain events triggered a chain reaction that had me unable to concentrate and navigate through life like i always had. So when i arrived come to find out its not the same mobile home he lead me to believe it was and much smaller, The fridge does not work as many other things like water spickets throughout the mobile home.The ducts where the central air unit was hooked up to have no duct work on them so they are holes that lead straight to the ground, causing a mice infested and roach den, also the window air conditioner i purchased does no good because combined with the vents and poor insulation cool air escapes. Its a shame someone i once considered a friend insisted $550 a month is fair, Living here has been a nightmare. I want to give a little more of my story prior to moving here and why i thought at the time it was a good idea to move here and why i started to deal with more issues, I said i would tell more of my story so here goes. January 2019 of the new year i got a call from my mother that my youngest brother was injured in a home invasion that happened inside my parents house up north. My nephew had gotten into some trouble with some individuals who live in the area that my parents live, he was being accused of stealing something from these individuals. This lead to them kidnapping him and beating him up until he lead them to where they could retrieve what he was being accused of stealing, This was at my parents house where my brother and his family were staying. One of the individuals come inside with my nephew holding him at knife point causing a big altercation on New Years Eve morning, This in turn woke my brother who ended up trying to defend my family, My parents,his son and the rest of his kids. During the struggle my brother was stabbed in the back causing him to be paralyzed from the chest down for the remainder of his life. This was one of the hardest and unbelievable things that has ever effected my life besides the abuse I wrote about. I lost my older brother due to a motorcycle wreck in September of 2001, The same month the twin towers were struck and naturally i was concerned for my family because they were in N.Y and i was in SC and one of the planes that had gone down was not far at all from the area they lived in on the N.Y and P.A border, It was devastating after being relieved my family was fine after the attacks only to lose my brother not long after, It felt like a cruel joke. When i was in N.Y for his funeral and me and my little brother were alone and talking about growing up i told him what happened to me. I was grieving and also feeling mix emotions, Its one of the rare times i confided to someone about it, Except the other times i never revealed by who. I believe i wanted to make sure nothing ever happened to my little brother like what happened to me. Although i was very protective of him as we grew up and was almost sure, I had to be sure and so he found out that night our father sexually abused me. I wanted to take it back after coming out with it and i cant describe in that moment how he looked, The change in his body, the look on his face and overall devastation and how i shattered everything he knew about his life in one confession. I carry guilt around with me to this day for telling him, Bringing us back to the injurys he received and thinking about how his life has changed drastically. I believe things started to change for me right then, I constantly worried about him and him dealing with the complete change of his life. I would lay in bed trying to imagine every little thing he was suffering through, never walking, never being able to experience sex the same, not being able to use the bathroom and messing himself, everything i could think of he may be going through i tried to imagine it till i was tortured with the thought of him not wanting to live. He started to confide in me about how his injury's effected him and it wasn't far from what i imagined so i listened, but also would encourage him to fight and continue on with life and would tell him how i managed through life with the things that happened to me. Somewhere in all of this between him and i he started to lash out at my parents about what my father had done and how my mother remained with him. I walked the path of forgiveness all these years feeling like that was the only way i could make it through having gone through such a bazaar childhood, But i suffered silently and kept swallowing it down. I forgiven my father and my mother still lived in denial thinking it all ended back when my father confessed to her what he was doing to me. I thought it kept me sane and i managed ok considering all that i had been through. Something changed in me as my parents told me all the awful things my brother was saying to them and how it was all unfiltered and raw, Things i never said all these years. I was getting angry with my brother for using my life to lash out with while he struggled with his life being flipped upside down, I would write him and tell him hes taking everything i worked for through forgiveness away from my parents, that he had no right and to please stop. The more he did this i started to realize that all these years i was giving my parents what i considered the gift of forgiveness, I suffered! The insecuritys, the identity issues, self doubt, Shame, the nervous twitching, nightmares, image issues being extremely self aware and the countless other characteristics i picked up were all a direct cause stemming from my childhood and the abuse i suffered. I have had to go back and analyze my entire childhood and my journey right up to present day.Things that i dealt with mentally that i believed if i ignored i was getting by and surviving, now realize i may have caused myself more harm then good. All of these different thoughts im dealing with prompted me to confront my father again a couple months ago when i found out he was sick with bone cancer, my mom has been sick for awhile now and is on oxygen. I messaged my father telling him how i was angry and how he got away pretty easy while i suffered with many issues over the years and how selfish it was for what he did to me. I explained how i couldnt concentrate in school and that i was smart, but how could i learn under those conditions? I told him the insecurities i had feeling like people were talking about me if people looked my way while in conversation, something i still suffer with at jobs i had all the while trying to appear in control while freaking out inside. I layed it out all on the table and got nothing except denials, I wanted to feel like he took responsibility for his actions and realized my whole life could have been very different and i didnt get that from him. At one point my father done very well and now he is broke and sick. Money is not the fix all, but the last thing he proved to me is that he never considered his actions and his role in how it could have and has effected me. There is nothing to be left behind when my parents are gone. No security left behind to help with the damage he caused in the case i lived a very screwed up life all for his satisfaction and vulgar greed. I told him that if there was one thing that ever proved he was sorry i would have known by him thinking about his actions and setting up something for my future! I never needed the help till now and now i realize thats not coming. The last thing that's gonna hurt forever is the whole time i messaged him he was telling my mom everything i was saying and that she thought i was cruel to bring these things up after finding out he is sick. So i finally got on the phone with her to tell her things didn't end when he said it would. There was some shouting back and forth till i heard her say, seems like you turned out fine to me and she condoned his actions in that one statement, so i hung up and havent spoke to her since. I feel totally alone and the two people you think a person could rely on in this world are the very ones that has taken a active hand in doing the complete opposite. I did the best i could to tell more of my story, If anything is out of place or confusing i apologize. Thanks for reading