4th major depression in one life

I have been battling with depression

I was 13 when I first diagnosed with major depression. I wasn’t really shock back then because I hate myself. I hate being gay so much and I didn’t really want to live. But still I was on medications, fluoxetine and another one that I couldn’t remember.
I survived that depression. Although I couldn’t really catch up with studying I was still trying, so hard.

The second one hit me when I was 16. This one though I coudn’t reall explain why. Maybe this how it works. Unexplainable.
Well, this one was the hardest one because I chose not to use medications nor any doctor advice.
Medications only make it worse. I couldn’t keep up with any school stuffs. It makes me feel drowsy and tired. I didn’t know even if I wanted to live or just give up. You know. It was too much. I was only 16 man. It was so painful that I questioned myself everday, is it really worth fighting?

I remember lying down on my bed. Counting the ceiling’s light of my room. There were 4 of them. And I just counted them. 1, 2, 3, and 4.
If I finish counting them, then I started all over again.
Again and again. Focus on counting them because I wouldn’t let myself thinking or doing other things because I knew it would be horrible.
I did the counting until I passed out. And the next morning I decided to reach out for help.

I didn’t go to college the first year I graduated. I did a part time waiting table. I did horribly anyway.

I didn’t know what to do in my life.
My parent would offer me to go to college. It was the best choice for me.
And then I did. I went to college.
And then it hit me again.
I guess it came from the pressure of studing this time. It wasn’t that hard compare to the second time. Nothing will ever beat that though.

Long story short, I changed my major 4 times.

One big reason is just because I couldn’t keep up with school, fully.

But this one I managed to made it to year 4
I am currently on the year 4. However, it is not a 4 year course.

I know I’m not going to make it. Because this time is too much. I suffer so much pain.

The only reason I’m fighting in is because I know, I KNOW the second after I’m gone

it would tear my parents apart

But I dont know how long or how much I can take it

It’s fourth time
this is too much
really

I don’t know what to live for since the second time
i don’t know what to fight for

I hate to suffer for nothing

all the student loans
all the money, wasted for nothing

If I go on with studying (let’s say I make it again this time) I know I won’t be graduated
and then my family would be in big debt

and if I’m gone, they will be in big debt anyway.

I know people will tell me to reach for help.
go see a doctor
get some medications

maybe this is the time to stop
to give up

suffering is too hard

But I love love my parents so so much
they did everything for me
just for me to have a good future

so I don't know

I don’t really to what to do

If anyone want to help. Don’t have to be money.
Any advice
I accepted.

Thank you